Kate Bennis is a comedy writer and video producer in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has been featured on Reductress, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy, and she has studied satire writing at The Second City. She lives in a haunted apartment with her husband and a dog named Bea Arthur. You can find her on Twitter at @LordOfTheSighss .
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Eulogy for My Fitbit
I want to first extend my gratitude to all of the loved ones who came out to celebrate the life of this fine object, my Fitbit Versa, whose life was cut short after an unfortunate accident involving hot dumpling soup.
The amount of people who've shown up today is truly a testament to those whose lives it touched - in particular those who made bets with me because you didn't think our time together would last more than a week. To those individuals, I'm here to collect (it lasted two months). Regardless of why you're here, it means a lot.
For me personally, my Fitbit came into my life for my 30th birthday by way of my parents, because that is the gift one receives when they turn 30. My parents thought it would be a good way to get me up and moving - and it did, in a sense. As soon as I attached the little electronic pedometer to my wrist, I felt like an athlete. For our first workout, we flexed on public transportation so that everyone could catch a glimpse of my Fitbit. Can't you see? I work out.
But the recommended 10,000 steps per day became daunting. While at times the course of life led us beyond this step count, the bright congratulatory alert put too much pressure on our relationship. I hated to disappoint my Fitbit. My motivation stalled, and our relationship was strained.
That is, until I discovered that I could boost my step count by vigorously shaking my wrist. I didn't even have to move my legs - the simple exertion of my hand was enough to send the numbers flying. We were back in business.
From that point on our time together changed. We shared bowls of popcorn and Reese's Pieces, amping up our daily steps with an urgent flick of the wrist. Some nights were spent tapping the remote control in an effort to watch every episode of the new season of The Bachelor; others in bed, furiously masturbating. Our average daily steps were well over 15,000.
A few of you have asked if I will eventually buy another Fitbit, and to that I say: would you replace a family member? The answer is no. I will continue to honor my old friend by living my life to the fullest, doing the things we loved doing together most. Its memory will forever live on in our hearts.